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What I Traded In to be Called Mommy

As moms we trade in a lot; our time, our space, our waistline, and sometimes our sanity. Of course, I would trade these things on any day of the week (just don't ask me on a really bad week) for these little ones. However, there are times that I sit back and reflect on what I traded in to be called mommy. So, here's my list of the things that I have accepted that will never be again, and if my kids strike it rich one day, I have a well documented list of what they owe me.

Tight Fit. There go those size 4 Gap jeans from college hanging ever so nicely in the back of my closet. Why are they still there after almost nine years....well because one day I'm going to be able to fit my leg in them. Granted this may not happen until the 25th of Neveruary but I'm gonna keep hope alive.

Bikini Dreamin' I will never, ever, ever wear a two-piece bikini again, unless I want people to mistake me for Tony the Tiger. It looks like I was in a cat fight and I was unmistakably the loser. Now, I have friends that have had kids and you can't even tell...to those friends ya'll make me sick (I still love you!). I have accepted this, and I just accessorize my two-piece with a sarong and pretend that the reason I wear a cover-up is to be modest. The truth is if I had a flat stomach that hadn't been stretched four ways from Sunday (no I don't know what this saying means but it seemed to fit), I would be flaunting it all over town.

Bathroom Buddies. Going to the bathroom alone nowadays is a luxury. If my toddler isn't coming in the bathroom saying "good job mommy" every time I go tinkle, than my older ones are banging on the door asking for something random that obviously couldn't have waited ten more minutes. The bathroom should be a place of peace; a place where you can collect your thoughts. Sike, not anymore. Now the bathroom is a hideout, where you might be safe if you can get in and lock the door fast enough.

Intelligence. This is pretty self explanatory, I really think I became slightly dumber after having kids. They say you lose brain cells after having children (I'm not quite sure who "they" are). I used to be pretty darn smart, if I do say so myself. However, the other day I thought Minneapolis was a state (shhhh don't tell anybody else about that). I don't know where my brain went, sometimes I can't even remember what day of the week it is or what I walked into the kitchen to get. I guess as long as I don't engage in any collegiate debates anytime soon, I should be able to get by on this one.

The Sophisticated Look. With a double stroller, and a mickey mouse backpack, I kind of lose that look of sophistication. Heels and expensive purses are a thing of the past (except the few times I get to go out and party like its 1999). Ever tried to push a double stroller in 6 inch heels?...bad idea. There's some moms that can pull it off but I'm not one of them. So my daily attire usually consists of tights, a sweatshirt, and Uggs, and I'm not sure how serious people take a person in Uggs. In my defense though, that lambskin inside those things sure are comfy.

Weight A Minute. I have given up on ever being the same weight I was before I had kids. If it happens fine, if it doesn't well I won't be shocked. I love food, and when I got pregnant, I ate, and I ate good. However, there is a consequence of eating that good....you gain weight! Now, I have done exercise programs, and all of that jazz and I have lost a considerable amount of my baby weight. However, I think I'll keep a few lbs. as a souvenir of motherhood.

Gettin' Some Zzzz. What I wouldn't give to be able to take a nap. Naps don't get the credit they deserve, they are awesome. Taking a nap can change your life, it makes you feel all nice and rejuvenated. I remember the days when I could just come home and go to sleep anytime I wanted. Now, trying to take a nap is like trying to hop the fence at the White House (you will get shot down).

Although I may have traded in a lot, I definitely gained a million times more. The love that our kids give us is worth its weight in gold. However, there will be times that you find that old picture of yourself at the bottom of your drawer and think, "man, my kids owe me big time!"

When Did Big Families Become Extinct?

“You have how many kids!?!” This is usually the response that I get when I tell people that my husband and I have four boys. This question is usually followed by, “You aren’t going to have anymore are you?!?” Well I might, (okay not really because four is all I can handle without going completely crazy), but the point is; why is it such a negative thought? My grandfather came from a family of ten, and then he went on to have five children of his own. Back in the day, larger families were the norm. Nowadays two children is the ideal family. This is understandable, because ideally there’s a parent for each child. Which means that the playing field is evenly numbered, and it leaves little chance for a juvenile revolt. However, what about the parents that want to push the envelope, the ones that dare to be outnumbered and subject themselves to pure chaos. There are some of us still out there, we are not extinct…or at least not quite yet.

Large families require a lot of time, money, and patience, and I see why they aren’t for everybody. However, for all of the hair pulling moments there’s also extra hugs, extra kisses, extra laughter, and a lot of kids being extra, but I love it. Our boys take care of each other (when they aren’t trying to rip each other apart). When one gets hurt or has a bad day at school, the other is there to pick him up. They play together, laugh together, and cry together. With four unique personalities there is never a dull moment in our house. Our oldest is the smarty pants (but sneaky), our five year old is the jokester, our two year old is the rebel, and our 9 month old is a combination of them all. I couldn’t imagine my life without them.

So, I just ask that people not cast us out like relics, or look at us like we have the plague when we walk into the grocery store. I promise we won’t bite (well our 9 month old might but that’s not our fault). Whether you decide to have a small family or a large family, the only thing that matters is that it’s filled with love, happiness, patience, and Magic Erasers.

Why Does Paper Beat Rock?

I have watched my kids play rock, paper, scissors a million and one times to solve complex problems such as whose turn it is to watch t.v. or who gets a shower first, you know the real gritty issues that grip our household. Of course I played it as a kid too, I mean who didn't? We all know the age old rules...scissors beats paper, rock beats scissors, and paper beats rock. It wasn't until recently that I really questioned this age old game and asked how in the heck does paper beat rock? Then a light bulb went off in my head and somehow I took away this great philosophical meaning, being the great philosophical thinker that I am...okay not really but I just like using the word philosophical.

Anyway, we all know that in the game, paper covers rock to win, and as I thought about it kids are much like rocks and parents are similar to paper.  If you have children, you know that they are born with their individual personalities and it often starts to shine through when they are just tiny infants. There is no changing your child's personality, if you have a rebel on your hands, more than likely that is who they are going to be. It's hard to break rocks, so why waste your energy trying to break the rock, remember you are paper; just cover it! What I mean by this is, as paper you can cover your child as he/she rolls along; no you can't stop the rock but the rock can never shake you off. Your child will make mistakes, bad decisions, and do things that will make you cringe. However, as parents we have to hang on to that rock, and grip it as hard as we can through the entire ride; the ups, downs, and  in between. Never let your child think that you have given up on them or you're not proud of them. Even if they aren't going in the direction that you think they should go; do not give up. That rock is going to go in all types of directions as it rolls along. It will go up peaks, down valleys, and back again trying to find its place among the other rocks. Just hang on paper, and when you feel like quitting, just remember that age old game; paper beats rock every time.

New To Potty Training? Here's What You Need To Know

If you are new to potty training the first thing you need to know is that it sucks. This is not meant to discourage you, and there are some times of joy as you see your baby become a big boy/girl, but the overall process is not fun. I have yet to meet a mom that said they were sad that potty training was done. In my opinion it is the single most challenging task of the first 5 years of life. However, the good news is that it doesn't last forever, and your child will not be in diapers forever, but there are a few tricks to the trade that might make your journey a little easier.

Ready or Not? If your child is not ready for the potty don't force the issue. I learned this the hard way. You will know when they are ready to take that step. I encourage you to go ahead and buy a potty when you want to start introducing it to them and do just that. Let them get comfortable with the potty, stick some toys in it, use it as a recliner to watch cartoons, etc. This way the potty won't be like the electric chair to them. They will begin to feel a greater sense of comfort. Remember what they always taught us in school, first impressions are everything!

Underwear Dare. This is probably one of the most valuable tips but the one that will cause you the most time cleaning. Invest in some cool looking or incredibly cute underwear that will catch your toddler's eye; he/she will rip out of that pamper so fast your head will spin. Now, the first million times they will pee in them, and look in amazement at what is coming out and where its coming from. This is the key, because once they start putting these things together they will start to learn control. If you can catch them peeing in mid-stream put them on the potty, they will start to recognize the connection of all that's going on. I must remind you that it is a process.

Every Kid Is Different. You may compare stories with your friends and other moms, and their toddler may be doing hoops around yours in the potty race, but do not get discouraged. Every child progresses at their own pace. If you are a parent to more than one child you might have the urge to compare one sibling to another. Just remember that as different as they are in personality, so is the same with their development as well. Some children are more receptive to the potty, and some are a little more hesitant. Just work with your child in a way that works best for him/her. With some trial and error you will have success.

Potty Dance! Make the biggest celebration possible when they use the potty, pull out all the stops, dance around, shout, and make it a big deal. Positive reinforcement will make them feel special and want to get the same recognition again and again. Now, sometimes it won't be easy, like when they miss, or half of the poop is laying on the floor. Your first instinct will be to scream (I'm still working on this) but try with all your might to still make them feel like they did a good job.

Schedule It. Get your toddler on a schedule. For example, every 30 mins sit him on the potty for 5 mins. As it goes along you will start to figure out the right timing. Also be mindful of when they have something to drink. If they have something to drink you can almost count that about 20 mins later its probably ready to come back out. For this reason you might want to give them liquids in accordance to your potty schedule.

Patience Is A Virtue. The biggest obstacle with potty training in my opinion, is having the patience to see it through. Potty training can be very time consuming and it comes with its frustrations. Just try to be as patient as you can (nobody is perfect, you will come unglued a few times) and remember that this is just a stage and it will pass. Keep your eyes on the prize...being diaper bag free!

"Live and Let Die!!"

Well, we have all heard of the saying that "kids say the darndest things" and if you have children you know that this is absolutely true. However, my oldest child took me by surprise. Now let me give you the rundown here, my oldest is 7, he is the obedient (most of the time), good in school, eager to please one out of the four. Next to the oldest is my 5 year old, he is the comedian, and abstract thinker. Then followed by my 2 year old that will probably lead an uprising in pre-k because he is the rebel. The 9 month old we haven't quite figured out yet, but since his teacher is the 2 year old, we're going to assume rebel as well. Not that my other kids are any less talented than my 7 year old but this is to say that I did not expect this from my oldest.

So we are sitting in the kitchen at the table, and we have a dry erase calendar on our fridge (the only  way I can stay somewhat organized), so I had marked the anniversary of my grandfather's passing. My five year old (the second oldest) asked me what it meant, and how did he die. I told him that he died of old age. Then my oldest breaks out in tune..."Live and Let Die!!!" (the rendition from the Shrek movie). It caught me so off guard, so I asked him why would you say that? His response was,"well the frog king in Shrek died of old age too". I could do nothing else but laugh. The sad moment I had of thinking about my Granddad was turned into complete happiness by my son and his innocence. Kids say and do the darndest things. Some things that make you scream and want to pull your hair out, but some things that warm your heart and soul.

R.I.P Granddad, I love and miss you.

You Are Your Child's Wingman

Your kid comes home from school with a birthday invite; they are jumping around with excitement as they hand you that brightly colored envelope. What does this mean for you? Another case of being your kid's wingman. What does this mean, you ask? Well let me give you the run down just in case you have not had the pleasure of experiencing this for yourself.

First of all this means that I need to add "gift for unknown kid" to my budget list. Yes you must buy a present, because showing up to a party without a present is a little tacky. What gets me about this is that I don't know this kid. This kid could be the temper tantrum thrower that I politely step over every time I drop my kid off to class. Do I really want to spend my hard earned $20 (that is usually my kid gift standard...yea I am frugal...not cheap) on this kid? Of course I will, because my child will never forgive me if he misses this 5 year old birthday party.

Next there's contacting the parent. Usually you call and RSVP, you all will have a small conversation about the party, any details that weren't mentioned on the invite, and then what type of gift to get the birthday kid. Usually after these items are covered there may be a little chatter about school and then awkward silence because guess what...you don't know each other. Then one of you will politely end the conversation.

So here comes the big day that your child has been marking down the days on the calendar for; party time. You walk into jumpy house central looking for the party. Most of the times you will have to depend on your child to point out the birthday kid, because you can't remember what he/she looks like when they aren't rolling around on the floor kicking and screaming. So you approach the group of party parents attempting to spark some type of interesting conversation, while your kid runs off into the sunset with all of their friends. Here you are stuck like chuck trying to figure out which parent you may have some type of connection with, to make this party go by a little faster.

Finally, you make it to the end of the party, the kids have eaten cake, and took twenty years to open presents, but guess what you made it through. Your child is in the car happy as pie, and for that reason, you are too. Now not all parties will be like this, some will be fun and sociable and a down right great time. I am just preparing you for the worst. If all else fails, play sick and send your husband!